I was born into a Christian-valued family who went to church (Baptist) and took part in communion. As a kid, I hated sitting in a church pew in almost complete silence. I either had a lot of energy and was forced to sit still, or had extreme fatigue from the monotone voice at the stand and couldn't help but fall asleep. As I grew older, I was put into Sunday school according to my age group to appropriately learn Christian values and stories from the Bible. I was taught at a young age that God had a plan for me, and that He knew everything that I would do in my lifetime. I accepted that because that's what the adults wanted and that was how I was to fit in. When I heard that God knew everything that I would do, I thought there was no point in believing. That must mean I don't have any free will and any choice I make has been already decided. That thought was stuck in the back of my head for a long time while I continued to attend church services.
I kept to myself for the most part, only tuning in to listen to the adults tell me about how Christians should be 'God-fearing' and to pay attention to your bad thoughts, because that was the devil talking. I take things very literal sometimes, too. Why would you fear God if you talk so highly of him? Why would you be afraid? Am I supposed to be afraid my whole life and do good things to get into heaven? I also didn't understand how thinking bad things was the devil talking to you. I thought thinking about other things was just me thinking. I didn't attribute it to the devil at all, actually. If I actually listened to the devil and did the bad things that were mentioned, wouldn't he not torture me when I went to hell?
There are more questions that have circled my mind for years. I was born and forced into the religion at a young age and was taught that it was just how it has to be. I can't just blindly follow this faith when the people around me are being hypocrites daily.
I got emotional every time I went to those Christian summer camps. The activities were fun and I had a great time. The sermons every night all sounded the same and I was expected to take notes, so I did. I already knew what was being said, it was plain and simple to understand, so I didn't comprehend why everyone was writing it down. I would copy the verses on the screen, not taking in any of the information because it was common sense. They eventually would get to the part where everyone starts singing some type of mellow-but-upbeat song with their eyes closed. I would start to cry when everyone started to sing together. Why you ask? It wasn't because I felt the Lord's presence. It was actually hearing people come together to sing, like a chorus, felt melodic and correct. Like for the first time in a long time, people were coming together and being vulnerable and happy. And I am the outlier amongst the people who could also be vulnerable at that moment.
I transferred to a 4 year college at 20 years old and decided to make friends as soon as I could. I went to a game night for the whole campus alone to try to meet people. I had such bad social anxiety back then that this was a huge deal for me. I met a couple people from Chi Alpha, a Christian organization. I started to go to their weekly small group meetings and occasionally their large group. I also went on a retreat with them, to convince myself that I can do it. The retreat made me realize that I can't keep doing this anymore. How come all of these other people can hear God speak to them and I can't? How was I supposed to know what to do? They raise their arms high during the slow acoustic strumming, while I stare blankly ahead at the band's shoes. I wanted to cry. I probably could have and someone would console me thinking I'm having an emotional release from talking to God. I could have faked it and lied to them, but I don't like lying, so I held it in. I was busy thinking about how I can get out of this and escape the shame that I would now have on my back once I decided to turn my back on this religion.
Everything felt wrong. I wanted to follow the path that was set up for me, but I kept going against it. The guilt and shame was eating at me every day, even after I decided to leave it for good. I eased away from Chi Alpha during college and eventually focused on my classes and my future career. I started to feel better for the rest of college and felt more like an adult who could do what they want and not feel guilt/shame. The more I explored my memories around Christianity, I realized how messed up everything was and is.
The first thing I noticed was the young children being brought into church and raised in Christianity, to follow everything that was set before them. I realized that asking skeptical questions was wrong to do, so I refrained. The next thing I noticed was why the adults just went along with everything. They never questioned it at all. Maybe they did in their personal time, but probably thought it was the devil talking to them. The big thing I noticed was the increase of hypocritical thoughts coming from my superiors at the church. If being a hypocrite is a sin, why do they do it? I believe they think they can just pray for forgiveness and that it will be forgiven and they still get a chance to be in heaven, as well as be convinced they are a good person still. I am sick and tired of everyone judging each other. The gossiping I hear every time I'm back at home in my small town is atrocious. And don't get me started on the hatred for the LGBTQ+ community and racism. The judgement is plastered on their face without them having to say anything.
There are other things too, but I have one more thing to touch on. Sometimes, God can show you signs so you can stay on your path. These signs are normally tests to teach you something. Let's say you are suddenly aware that your patience is getting the best of you in certain situations. You never realized this before, but now you are aware. Because of your awareness of your little patience, you will see it more often in your everyday activities. You think, "oh, I can work on my patience in this situation, this must be God testing me." Don't you think that if you are now aware, it's you that's doing it and not God? I'm not saying that God is to blame, but the action of saying God did it is technically blaming him. To me, I see it as not taking responsibility for your actions and using a higher power to make it okay to do in the first place. That is something I highly disagree with.
The energy that people put into this ideology is astronomical. The people who start out in Christianity and see these people worshipping, praying, and reading their Bible daily makes them feel inadequate. They feel the need to fit in and do the same things to be the perfect Christian person. I felt that my whole life and hated the feeling of faking.
I could write so much more on this topic, but I will leave it up to my future self if I want to dive back into it. Any comment that pushes back against me will tell me they haven't read the full article and they will be deleted. Of course, there are other religions, but I'm talking about the one I've been surrounded with my whole life. The religion that is getting shone in a new light for all the horrible things that continue to happen. I am happy to be away from it all and finally experience life without fear.
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